Blinditicus Daticus

Quote of the blog:

Brook: I'm going to start a blog this week!
Julie: Oh great, another blog for me not to keep up on.

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I once read the definition of Blind Date as “something I wouldn’t recommend you go on,” but blind dates can be so interesting and funny: ingredients that make for a good story...and I’m a sucker for a good story.

I don’t get set in New York as often as I did when I lived in Utah. When I lived in Utah people offered to set me up all the time. I think some considered it a part-time job. Now it wasn’t like I solicited these offers. I wasn’t standing in the mall food court passing out brightly colored “Free Practice Date” coupons while wearing an equally bright “I would date your son” t-shirt.

No, no.

It started after I turned the Utah spinster-worthy age of 23. I would casually be in conversation with people at church, work, or other social settings when someone would strike like a viper. Sometimes I could sense the impending question, like a deer that freezes when they sense danger. The person would ask, “Why isn’t a sweet girl like you married?” or observe, “You are so cute! I just don’t understand why you aren’t married!” By the time they’ve struck I’m paralyzed, frozen in place and it’s too late to hide behind foliage or drop to the ground and play dead (not to mention the social implications of diving behind a planter without any warning).

About this time they say, “You know, I have a son/nephew/coworker that I should set you up with…”

A few different comments may follow and there are a few that, if heard, should make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. The top three I’ve heard (and yes, I’ve heard every one of these):

1. You’re single, he’s single…You’re Mormon, he’s Mormon.

You can insert just about any commonality there: You like cooking, he likes cooking. You’re in New York, he’s in New York. You have acne, he has acne. Some people feel like you should be dating someone. Anyone. If this describes your matchmaker watch out!

2. He just needs to meet some nice girls…

This phrase conjures up images of hard-core tattooed, sullen types avoiding their parole officer. Either that or the pasty, sun-deprived lanky kid who just emerged from his parent’s basement after a five-month self-induced seclusion of playing Halo and Warcraft with online buddies he’s never met. Either way, it makes me wonder, “Just who(m) has this kid been hanging out with?”

3. You would be doing me a favor.

If someone plays the “personal favor” card when setting you up on a blind date its time to start asking questions. Have you ever seen the TV drama 24? When Jack Bauer asks for a favor it’s usually dangerous and illegal – and usually more beneficial to the person asking than the person doing the favor. Proceed with caution.

It’s also a good thing to consider who is setting you up. Is there a chance you’ll get set up with someone who has a case of the crazies?

One of my favorite best/worst dates happened to my dear friend and then college roommate Amy. She was set up by an acquaintance of ours named Les. His business cards read, “Les is More.”

The night of the date, Amy and her Blind Date (B.D) stopped by a party at our friend Stephanie’s house. Amy walked in and gave me a look that said she already had stories to tell. B.D. was tall, dark haired, seemingly confident and was sporting above-the-ankle black pants, white socks, and – I kid you not – a pocket protector They left after twenty minutes or so but not before he had asked for everyone’s attention by tapping on his pocket protector with a pen like a man taps his champagne glass with a spoon to give a toast. Ok, he didn’t really tap his pocket protector, but he did ask for everyone’s attention. We gathered around and he announced conspiratorially that his “watch [dramatic pause] was exactly three seconds ahead, or three seconds behind, the clock at the Provo police department.”

He didn’t have a car so Amy drove. The rest of the date included him lecturing her for honking her horn in a “non-emergency situation” (which is apparently “not only inconsiderate but illegal”) as well as him asking her if she played an instrument, only to inform her that he played the diaphragm.

Excuse me? The what? The diaphragm?

Then he sat up straight and started jabbing his abdomen with his fingertips and singing different notes. Amy dropped him home right after. Side Note: Whenever we retell this story, which tends to be often, his impersonation always sounds like the 1950’s cartoon dog Mr. Peabody. Imagine Mr. Peabody saying “I play the diaphragm” in his haughtiest voice.

Not all blind dates turn out to be so odd. The can also be great. In fact, one of my top five favorite dates was a blind date. I was set up by my friend and trusted matchmaker, Kimmie. The date was a fun double date, perfectly planned and included a trip to Park City, the Alpine Slide, and dinner on Old Main Street. The conversation was engaging, we laughed A LOT and he was generous and attentive.

BDs can be a lot of fun and meeting new people is usually a treat, but it’s a good idea to pay attention to warning signs when you get set up to save you from a potential evening of agony. If you hear one of the comments listed above you may want to suddenly develop narcolepsy or remember your goldfish needs a bath - or you could always hide behind a shrub or play dead.