Sunday, February 28, 2010

Church-tales, woo-oo!

My nephew is going on a two year mission for the Church of Latter Day Saints to Zurich, Switzerland. His farewell (where he is invited to speak in church before leaving) was Sunday. After church we gathered at my sister’s house and ate food and told some of our favorite church-tales. There are too many to write in one post but here are some of our favorites.

Amy was at the farewell too. Her ward provides some of the best church stories. I went with Amy to a primary program in her ward. It was unlike any primary program I've ever been to. All the kids were seated on the stage. One girl did leg lifts over her head, white tights flashing, while the boy next to her blew snot bubbles. At one point a mom pulled a microphone out of the stand and accidently smacked a kid in the face – the congregation winced in sympathy during the two seconds of silence before the kid’s banshee wail echoed through the chapel.

Years ago in their ward's fast and testimony meeting a young boy, about seven years old, shared his experience with prayer. He began, “I lost by teddy bear a few days ago and I couldn’t find him. So then I prayed. And I turned around and there was the little S.O.B. sitting right there!” Except he didn’t abbreviate. His parents shrank in their seats.

In the same meeting another young boy stood up to share his testimony. He stood with his hands on the pulpit and the bishopric lowered the pulpit to his height. He began with the classic opening, “I’d like to bear my testimony,” but it quickly crescendoed into something else. It sounded like this: “I’d like to bear my testimonyow ow ow OW OW OWIE OWIE!” The bishopric lowered the pulpit onto his hands!

Tiffany, my sister, dry heaved in church when we saw a larger youth hike his shirt up a bit, dig around in his belly button, and eat what he scavenged. We still shudder anytime we talk (or, turns out, type) about it.

My neighbor, Carly, got shooed out of sacrament by her mom one time because she started laughing so hard. It was Father’s Day and the primary children went to the front to sing the primary song “I’m so Glad When Daddy Comes Home.” The song goes, “I’m so glad when daddy comes home, glad as I can be! Clap my hands and shout for joy and climb upon his knee. Put my arms around his neck, hug him tight like this, pat his cheek then give him what? A great big kiss!” Well, one boy's dad was in a wheelchair. At the song’s end the boy yelled, louder than anyone else, “Give him what? A great big KICK IN THE PANTS!”

Kids in church are the best. Although grownups can be great as well.

I was sitting in between my sister Sabra and her husband and my mom and dad in a sacrament meeting a few years ago. Sabra’s husband got up a few times and walked out. After one exit my dad leaned forward and in a teas

ing whisper said to Sabra, “Incontinence? She leaned forward, looked puzzled and answered what she thought was the question, “Africa, Asia, South America…” Mom and I couldn’t stop laughing.

One time, we arrived at church a little late and there were no available seats. I had on a pair of new high-heeled boots. As I tiptoed through the cultural hall with three metal chairs I slipped and fell. Metal chairs banged against each other and clattered to the gym floor with a resounding echo. It seemed like everyone turned around to see what caused the racket. Knowing that only people seated in the back would be able to see me on the ground that's where I stayed until people turned back around.

Erin and Liesel, friends and old co-workers like to retell the story of their friend who was in church during a baby blessing. Everything proceeded as normal until the nervous father gave the baby the Melchizedek priesthood instead of a baby blessing. He stopped, looked up, mouth open, eyes wide as he realized what he had said. He looked around, bowed his head, waved a hand in a circle over the baby as he said, “UNDONE!”

Church is typically more spiritual than entertaining, but sometimes its definitely more entertaining.


  1. Great stories - especially you falling. I'm pretty much a fan of anything that makes the well mannered Brook seem more like the rest of us - kinda like when you talk about boys. :)

    As for the father who said "Undone" *which is classic by the way*, it would have been pretty epic if as he did that, there was a flash of light and the little baby had a harry potter scar on his forehead.

    When we lived in Mapleton, one of the families in our ward had a son who hated church but obviously had to go. They were sitting in front of us during a F&T meeting and his mom kept pushing him to go up. So he did, although she would soon regret it.

    He was about 16 and the typical "I hate church, I'd rather be out smoking" kind of kid. So he walks to the pulpit, shirt sorta half tucked in and his tie barely done up. He gets up to lean against the pulpit he hit his funny bone on the edge... which made him quickly yell out "Son of a...." well you know.

    At this point the whole church was kinda shocked and we all just watched as he debated what to do next. He stared back for a minute and said, "Forget this... PEACE I'm outta here!" and strutted back to his seat, where he was met by his hick father who ushered him out of the chapel and I'm assuming whooped his butt in the parking lot shortly after.

    Best. Day. Ever.

  2. I'm sure the previous commenter would agree with me when I say it's a travesty that a certain stake emergency preparedness guru didn't even get mentioned here.

    And that primary program sounds like EVERY one I've ever witnessed.

    But these are still all good stories.

  3. Oh I thought primary would have the best stories but it's YW by far!

  4. Nico -that is the best story! hahahahaha. Thanks Cristi. Jeff, I can't share ALL the church stories at once! And Chrissy - feel free to share!

  5. When my son was just old enough to pick up or pull on things my husband was holding him in the football hold (ya know, the one where the baby's face is by the elbow and his body is over the arm. Well, my husband was deep in conversation with someone and didn't notice my son grabbed the fire alarm and pulled it down when my husband swayed. I was watching and couldn't help but laugh when the firemen got there moments later and demanded to know who pulled the fire alarm. They didn't believe that a baby could have done it.

  6. Brook-the biggest lesson we learned about "undone" is that it works in a lot of situations.

  7. I am smiling so much after reading this post. Now the time we tipped the entire brand new tray of sacramental water doesn't even seem like a big deal, though the guy behind us said he'd never seen that in 50 years of church attendance. And I will definitely add, Do not eat anything that you found in your belly button, to our list of family manners. Thanks for the laughs.

  8. During the primary program in the 1st ward, Lexi's class stood and each child had to say a line. Lexi was the last to say her line, but started off with "I'm not going until HE sits down" pointing and referring to the boy who spoke before her.